Preface: I will be the first to admit I said many STUPID, prejudicial things growing up. As multiculturalism and urbanization grew and developed in my neighbourhood, what I lacked in understanding and narrow-mindedness showed up in my actions, but more often than not in my speech as well. There was forgiveness from God and others, and enough opportunity to rebuild friendship and trust with my friends and cohorts in school and in the neighbourhoods of the suburbs.
"SHOULDN'T YOU BE WORKING?!"
You feel pushed aside, generalized, marginalized, hurt, abused, teased, insulted, embarrassed, lonely, or ready to explode over various misgivings. There are loads of evil in the world, as you know, however in expecting the absolute worst to "COME AT ME", I should not expect my response to bring the absolute worst out of me. One should be able to handle anger and every other emotion with care keeping things in proper perspective, and remaining humble. It's not going to be easy, as it wasn't for me in 2009, and it isn't easy for me now. I just manage my emotions a little better since then, that's all, at least I hope I did.
With all that said, I knew I was different from most people growing up. There were not a large assortment of black students, never mind black males, growing up in the suburbs of the Greater Toronto Area in the 1980s and 1990s.
- A toddler called me the N-word in a shopping mall.
- One of the organizers of a video game tournament in my hometown on Canada Day refused to enter me because I was black.
- A city bus driver ordered each black male boarding her bus to show student identification.
With the exception of the middle one, those don't bother me much anymore. I was a kid, so I took everything that happened to me to heart, and playing the race card for every little thing was a popular thing at the time (I mistakenly linked Malcolm X: The Movie coming out in theatres and everyone being angry with everyone else for different reasons, but I digress.)
 |
| Artist's representation of my cruise ship in 2009 o_O |
In 2009, I went on vacation alone. I needed a break from everything and everyone: I wasn't sleeping properly, I had nightmares about work, nightmares about worst case scenarios at work, nightmares about going to work, and I was snapping at family and friends. I was on the verge of my second mental breakdown (first occurred in England in 2004). The solution, which coincided with graduation from university, was a two-week cruise of South America. Overall, it was what I needed, and I could regale you with many stories about my experience that were positive reminders of God's mercy, majesty, and sovereignty. Onboard the cruise, most of the people were friendly, and the staff was especially nice and courteous and wonderful. There was, however, one ongoing "problem"...
Avery Brooks, the actor who played Captain Sisko in Star Trek: Deep Space Nine, says it best in a quote from the episode "Badda-Bing, Badda-Bang":
You want to know? You really want to know what my problem is? I'll tell you: Las Vegas , 1962. That's my problem. In 1962, black people weren't very welcome there! Oh, sure, they could be performers or janitors, but customers? Never!
The cruise was Vegas; and I went to Vegas! Sure, there was a little casino below deck, but that's not the point. I knew the world was not a happy-go-lucky place; my parents taught me that, so as I progressed from high school to university to graduation to almost thirty-something I knew my first experience dealing with the unfairness of the world would come sooner than later. When I stepped on the cruise, it did not hit me like a ton of bricks like I thought it would, no. Instead, it hung in the air like a wisp of Air from an air freshener automatically set to spray at random times o_O
There were many "single, black men" on the cruise. If they were not singing or performing on the grand stage in the ballroom, they were either standing by the doors in black ties and frilly sky blue blazers holding trays or cleaning rooms. For the first week, I received looks and double takes from other vacationers because I wouldn't take orders, perform on stage, or look like I was doing something. I could hear the whispers and feel the palpable awkwardness whenever I entered a room, and eventually it limited where I could go on the cruise: I couldn't eat at the high-end restaurants, not because I was broke, but because when I dressed up I kept getting asked about food and orders. I looked forward to disembarking at each port of call just to avoid those situations time and again.
Finally, it happened...
I'm a big ice cream guy, as my friends will attest, so one day I grabbed a soup bowl, filled it with orange sherbet, and sat down at a small table in the lunch room facing the port side windows. I received a few looks already, but nothing too obvious that day. I did, however, notice a familiar old lady staring at me from across the hall. I turned away and ignored her glare, but all of a sudden she stood, marched the length of the room, stopped a few inches short of where I sat, and in a loud voice said the words I would never forget for as long as I live:
"SHOULDN'T YOU BE WORKING?!"
Jesus instructs each of us to "love our enemies", and if it occurred right when the vacation began I probably would "open the gates". Like her, the only "single, black men" I saw on the cruise were cleaners, waiters, and entertainers. All the others had people, for lack of a better word, to "vouch" for them. She noticed me "not working" and "being lazy" for days and days and days, and finally had enough. Naturally, everyone within earshot was either thinking the same thing or mortified by her assertion, so I did my best to respond as calm yet loud enough to answer the question on everyone's mind.
"No, because I am on vacation just like you."
Almost a moment later, the same woman flipped from accusation to embarrassment. She sweated apologies all over the floor, and sheepishly walked away. Now, I don't share that story to beef me up, and say "LOOK AT ALL THE HOOTS I'M WORTH! WOOO!" I shared because you probably felt the same way, although our circumstances are different.
You feel pushed aside, generalized, marginalized, hurt, abused, teased, insulted, embarrassed, lonely, or ready to explode over various misgivings. There are loads of evil in the world, as you know, however in expecting the absolute worst to "COME AT ME", I should not expect my response to bring the absolute worst out of me. One should be able to handle anger and every other emotion with care keeping things in proper perspective, and remaining humble. It's not going to be easy, as it wasn't for me in 2009, and it isn't easy for me now. I just manage my emotions a little better since then, that's all, at least I hope I did.
Yes, so don't get me wrong; my cruise experience wasn't all doom and gloom. It was quite nice, I suppose. Cruises are nice vacation boats, I guess ^_^ I met some nice people onboard, and perhaps in time I can share some stories about them with you. In the meantime, it's late, and I should sleep.
