I wrote this at ridiculous a.m. in the morning, and after two dozen people read it I relegated it to draft mode because I felt more ashamed of me than ever. However, it does zero good to anyone to deny my feelings, and it could help someone as we are not alone in this. So, after a day's worth of prayer, editing, and fixing "which people can't see this" to "everyone can see this", here it goes...
Hi,
I think I was put on this earth to make people happy, and for a little while I managed to do that. As it turns out, I can't do it anymore because the person that should be happy others are happy is not me.
I was a comedian and scratch musician through grade school and high school, then later on in life I became a REAL Christian, and not just in name and on Sundays. Loads of people liked me, and I thought I was finally making a difference for JESUS. Things were going to be alright, from now on, I thought. Then, in 2010, things changed.
Something terrible happened to a friend of mine, who is no longer with us, and then something almost as terrible happened to me, which only one other person half knows about. That event weighed on my actions for so long that I drove away my family and friends; I even ended really good friendships over minute and ridiculous things. Years later, I overheard my Dad talking my relatives about my changes, and his "reason" for why 'the lights went out'. He wasn't right, but he wasn't wrong either.
I tried to overcompensate with heavy doses of writing, however that began to wane in recent times. My serious writing had three outcomes: (1) I deleted whatever I wrote because I believed it was terrible and not worth anyone's time, or (2) I posted what I knew lacked insight and annoyed people just for the sake of viewership, and that is stupid, and (3) Someone somewhere liked it, for some odd reason, so I decided to keep it at their insistence.
Everything I do immediately turns to dust, from structured essays to the most sincere and genuine gestures of friendship and support. When I returned to making videos, which I didn't do since the early 2000s, the urge to reference this feeling as a real live problem grew as well. I told my insecurities to a pastoral intern in Oakville named Daniel (Hi Daniel), when he posed a question on Facebook about your "Social Media Heart Check". In response Daniel, who knows next to nothing about me, told me God loves me. I really want to believe God does, but I look around and conclude things will not improve.
I am unhappy. I am expected to fill a role, and then I am expected to go home. Sometimes I feel no one cares if I'm alive or dead, unless they are compelled to tell me out of the circumstance. For example, I received my fair share of 'Dear John' and breakup letters from women that still want to be friends, and all I could think was "We were never in that type of relationship to begin with, so why do I have this, and if she doesn't want to be seen with me, why would she want me in the same room?" Then again, I can't think of anyone I know that wants to be with me, never mind in the same room. Does anyone care? Do my friends read what I write, or do they just nod and smile politely and make vague assumptions? Do they talk about me, and what do they say? Do they laugh at me, do they whisper my name in dark corners, or do they just glare and curse my existence like what happened three years ago? Is this what my friend thought before he left us? I don't want to act the fool just to get by, get laughs, and convince me and others that things will get better, like in high school and university. I would like to be happy again, if that is alright?
If you are younger than me, or maybe the same age and older, and you feel the same way about feelings then please tell someone you trust before it's too late! Don't let the circumstances, however real or imagined, decide your life. Don't let them claim your life like they claimed my friend three years ago, because...this world will not be the same without you, and it will not get better. If this serves as a way to help somebody with a similar problem, then maybe it will be worth it, but right now I feel like I did something wrong.
Thanks for reading and sticking around this long. I think this Charlie McDonnell dude explains it alot better than I ever could. The variables are different (YouTube vs Writing), but the pain is the same. You should check out this video he made awhile back.
Bye.
