Cold Hard Look: The "Is-ness" of Life

Almost everyone in high school was 'pairing off' and being a couple. You could tell who was with who: The longing looks, holding hands, secret handshakes, 'dates', prom shenanigans, etc. In all but a few cases, however, there would be just as many breakups. Of course, being what I thought was a 'Christian', if I thought, said, and did the 'right things', all the while act like I didn't need it, then 'my reward' would come soon enough.

She'll be coming 'round the mountain when she comes... (I used to like that song; maybe I still do?)

Of course, nothing happened. In spite of everything I did 'right', which was 'not do the wrong thing', no girl outside my family cared in THAT way. In all the disappointment I felt, I believed I was being punished in some small way for not getting it 'right', and therefore I wasn't 'good enough' to be loved THAT way.

I couldn't see the forest for the trees in the matter. I was too immature, and like most kids my age I didn't know what I wanted. In high school, there was always a class leaving for university, so every year there was another always an older class of students leaving. If I had a relationship in high school, I'm pretty sure I would wreck it in some way, and in the case of 'almost relationships' I usually did 'wreck' them by being (a) stupid, (b) stupid & broke, or (c) stupid & fat. However, I didn't want to see the truth; I wanted to be 'happy', so like the cartoon I went after things that made me 'happy'.

No, my name isn't Huey, but this is an example of what life was like outside of high school: Food, video games, FUN FUN FUN! If there was difficulty, or when the girl I asked to the PROM said she had to wash her hair that night (her eventual date to the PROM said he had a great time), I quenched my appetites with a Nintendo 64, a plethora of video games, Delissio Pizza, 4 litres of cranberry soda, and hours to kill until I was blue in the face. When I realized what I was doing to my body I was ridiculously overweight, and with more questions than answers about my worth. In spite of this, I kept trying to do the 'right' thing, even if I didn't think it mattered anymore.

Many years later, I know Jesus paid the price for my sin, and trying to apply his saving grace into everything I do is the mission. The mission is easier now that I'm back in shape again, in spite of all the time lost to obesity, God gave me a new lease on life. Now, I was never a boy scout, and it is difficult today to keep this perspective on a daily basis, yet I know the cause to which I am fighting for.

Which begs the question: What about your attempts at relationships, and finding a boss, er, gal? I'm twenty-something and no woman ever said YES to that relationship question when I asked them. I can't use the 'twenty-something' age much longer, so to be 'zero-for-zero' for an entire generation moves from a stage of my life, into the 'is-ness' of my life. Do I lack the same maturity now as I did in high school, and therefore remain a loner? I hope not, but I can only see loneliness, not as 'part of the way things are', but as 'being Phil Wood'.I wish I had dreadlocks in high school; instead, I went BALD! That's a different story... ^_^