Loneliness: Explaining It Away?

Phil, it's time to come clean about one of your greatest fears

[THIS IS MY ATTEMPT AT BEING REAL WITH AN OLDER AUDIENCE, SO IF YOU ARE YOUNGER THAN SIXTEEN YOU PROBABLY SHOULD AVOID THIS ESSAY AS YOU DEFINITELY WILL NOT UNDERSTAND WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT. IF YOU ARE HERE, HOWEVER, CLICK ON THIS LINK, AND IT WILL TAKE YOU TO A MAGICAL PLACE.]

This entry sat in my drafts folder for years; I edited this three times, deleted twice, restored five times, and almost published...six times. Everything here looks detached and incomplete, but that's the way my life is with respect to loneliness. I wish I could filter all these, but now that I'm thirty there doesn't seem to be much point anymore...

• I wish I could explain away the loneliness with some convenient fact of life: "Phil is sterile, and that's why he's single!" They would say. How angry Phil would be, and how vile, uncaring, cynical, jealous and apprehensive he would become if that is true?! He spent his life wishing, hoping, praying, and preparing to be the best man possible, and all he can hear is the laughter echoing throughout his head. To be in the same room with him upon that very moment is taking one's life in their hands. Suddenly, Phil is angry...
• Twice people mistook me for being married, and I wasn't wearing jewelry in both instances. The second time was at a wedding, but the first time this happened a guest speaker came to our church to give a sermon, and before the service he asked me why I didn't come to church with my wife? That was a short conversation. I was angry because I had no answer for why my life was at that moment, and instead of setting that question aside I reacted, and that was wrong, and I'm sorry. Admittedly, that feeling returns every time a younger man tries to rub my nose in it, tells me I lack patience, or asks why I'm not participating in the garter toss. To be honest, it all but ended some really good friendships with people I really care about, and that sucks...
• It is true that I am socially awkward: Did you ever attend a "couples only" wedding? Not all are by accident, you know; in those rare cases, it isn't "all in your head". It's not explicit or laid out with airport runways and emergency flares, but once you are there, and the only empty chair in the gallery is the one next to you it's too late. You hang out by the hors d'oeuvres table or by the column in the corner of the hall outside the reception, however it makes no difference at all. You feel the ridicule and embarrassment, see every glare your way, how they laugh behind your back, and hear every whisper as they curse you out among their friends for being "that loner" or "some stupid wedding crasher". Minutes before the reception, you are on your way home because you have a "bad headache", which sounds more believable than a "broken heart"...
• No man is an island, so this hurts my family, friends, and those who really know me well; they watched me break down and cry. I made pathetic and vain attempts to solve the problem with ridiculous stuff and quick fixes, only to feel worse with each passing day. Even now, there are times when I can't look at my Facebook news feed; I shut down my Facebook two years ago, because if I did not take time out and do other things, then I would lose complete control. This is not a solution, rather it was the best I could do at that time. I remember people, places, moments, and emotions; while the references and word and picture associations are helpful, it means I have difficulty trusting people. You know things are at their worst when you ask, "If I'm not worth it, how much more is it worth going forward?" Don't go there. Do not go there...

This is a hurt, confused, and angry human being with a long list of wants and very few needs. With many moods come many explanations and attempts to rationalize what he does not understand. He could never explain what is happening to his life, so how much more could he explain it coherently to someone else? This is what could happen when you "lean on your own understanding" (Proverbs 3:5-6 NASB). That is from a portion of Scripture many memorize growing up, but many more have difficulty living out in any facet of life. What does it mean to live for something other than a change of relationship status or to feel pride at a wedding reception hall? The best answer I could give is to live according to His will, and serve others with pure, tried and tested heart (1 Chronicles 28:9 NASB). If you commit to a life with a focus not on you, and ask God in prayer for wisdom so not to feel confused or angry, eventually the long list of needs decreases and the very few wants become insignificant (Proverbs 16:3 NASB, and James 1:5 NASB). How can all this be, and how could such a hurt individual go to God like that? Only through Jesus His Son can hope and life come to the defeated and broken. To refuse or deny Jesus is equivalent to saying "You are here and then gone as "spilled carbon", and no one outside of this vast, boundless, and expanding universe cares about something so trivial as a life like yours." Don't go there. Do not go there...

That's about it. I wrote this for me, in case I ever need to return to this page. After looking at what I wrote, I might need to return here many times o_O