Mini Golf: Anger, Frustration, and Andrew

Phil's "I HATE THIS LOUSY GAME" golf club swing.

After church, I went home, turned on the television to the final round of the Masters, and fell asleep. Watching golf isn't one of my favourite things to do, but it is therapeutic LOL Congratulations to whoever won in the playoff, you did a good job ^_^ Really, uh, a good job o_O

If you ask most of my friends today, or even Andrew, then they will tell you I become a different person on the mini golf course. This warm, friendly, thoughtful person becomes an impatient, javelin-throwing monster prone to fits of rage and anger when someone puts a putter in my hands.


As I explain to my friends during pick-up games of basketball, when the ball leaves my hand I can't make any guarantees of any sort on the shot. The mechanics are there, the rim is close to my head, the ball in my hand, my feet are high off the ground, and I am two centimeters away from dunking or an easy lay-up, but once the ball leaves my hand I cannot guarantee what the basketball will do once it gets there. Regardless of the outcome, I am a relatively sane basketball player; I am going to get more than one point, but I'm also not going to lose my cool. I can control my destiny when it comes to mini golf, however, and when that two centimeter birdie putt rims out of the hole I can do so many wonderful things with a golf club, in particular when I decide it should go airborne.

Each tirade is different from the last: The tossing of the golf club across the length of the hole, the end over end club toss, the "jump in a circle and beat the ground with my golf club while screaming how my I hate this game" dance move, and my persistent angry mumblings during the game are all examples of how terrible a person I become on the golf course. I respect Phil Mickelson as a man, husband, father, and golf professional, but sometimes I think we are subject to the same fate in golf because we share the same first name. There is a difference, however: Phil Mickelson makes lots of money playing golf, but Phil Wood makes lots of noise playing golf.

It wasn't always this way. Once upon a time, I was very good at miniature golf (stop laughing, Andrew). There were those moments when I fired a golf ball into a busy shopping mall during Christmas time, or when I completed the course at Canada's Wonderland with a -2 score ^_^ Those were good times; no, those were great times. Those great times came to a head when I went with the church youth group and to an outdoor mini golf center nine years ago. I had a so-so day until our group tackled the uphill portion of the course (back nine), however I was really happy when I sank consecutive hole-in-one shots on the previous two holes, and I was looking for a third ^_^ We were behind another group my Andrew was playing with, when it was my turn to shoot. Everything lined up perfectly, and once I shot my orange golf ball in a straight line toward the cup I felt nothing would stop me from collecting my third consecutive birdie. I imagined how I would celebrate: Would I do a salute to Jack or would I fist pump like the late Seve Ballesteros? Suddenly, something happened that changed the way I would play mini golf from that day forward.

You see, Andrew saw me make two consecutive hole-in-one shots earlier, and he knew I was going for a third. So as I watch my golf ball roll toward the "Promised Land", I spot Andrew leave his golf group, walk down toward the playing surface, stand between the ball and the hole, and with his golf club hit the ball into the bushes!

I can't remember with great accuracy what happened after that moment, but I do remember walking the length of the hole, throwing my baseball cap in one direction, throwing my golf club in another, and picking up speed as I chased Andrew throughout the mini golf course. I couldn't regain my focus after that moment as I babbled on and on about how Andrew ruined my chances of three hole-in-one shots in a row. Every year since that incident, I always make a point of reminding Andrew, and everyone else in my mini golf group whenever we go out to a mini golf place, and it has a tremendous impact on my game. Which may be why I fail at mini golf so often, or why whenever we go out my friends want to be in my group because, at some point in the evening, I'm going to lose my mind and launch into another tirade. I must admit, Andrew is a nice guy, but he does a good job of masking his wacky and whimsical side for opportune moments such as that one.

In conclusion, mini golf and I have a love/hate relationship, but I would tell you in a minute that I would still play the game because it is a good game to play when out with friends. I will warn you, however, if you know someone like Andrew that would upset your bid for a record-breaking performance, make sure he is playing in another group further ahead of yours, otherwise you will be throwing your golf club and yelling at golf balls for the next nine years (Hi Andrew).