My First Racism Experience

Alright, let's try something completely different...

Preface: I will be the first to admit I said many STUPID, prejudicial things growing up. As multiculturalism and urbanization grew and developed in my neighbourhood, what I lacked in understanding and narrow-mindedness showed up in my actions, but more often than not in my speech as well. There was forgiveness from God and others, and enough opportunity to rebuild friendship and trust with my friends and cohorts in school and in the neighbourhoods of the suburbs.

With all that said, I knew I was different from most people growing up. There were not a large assortment of black students, never mind black males, growing up in the suburbs of the Greater Toronto Area in the 1980s and 1990s.

• A toddler called me the N-word in a shopping mall.
• One of the organizers of a video game tournament in my hometown on Canada Day refused to enter me because I was black.
• A city bus driver ordered each black male boarding her bus to show student identification.

With the exception of the middle one, those don't bother me much anymore. I was a kid, so I took everything that happened to me to heart, and playing the race card for every little thing was a popular thing at the time (I mistakenly linked Malcolm X: The Movie coming out in theatres and everyone being angry with everyone else for different reasons, but I digress.)

Artist's representation of my cruise ship in 2009 o_O

In 2009, I went on vacation alone. I needed a break from everything and everyone: I wasn't sleeping properly, I had nightmares about work, nightmares about worst case scenarios at work, nightmares about going to work, and I was snapping at family and friends. I was on the verge of my second mental breakdown (first occurred in England in 2004). The solution, which coincided with graduation from university, was a two-week cruise of South America. Overall, it was what I needed, and I could regale you with many stories about my experience that were positive reminders of God's mercy, majesty, and sovereignty. Onboard the cruise, most of the people were friendly, and the staff was especially nice and courteous and wonderful. There was, however, one ongoing "problem"...

Avery Brooks, the actor who played Captain Sisko in Star Trek: Deep Space Nine, says it best in a quote from the episode "Badda-Bing, Badda-Bang": 

You want to know? You really want to know what my problem is? I'll tell you: Las Vegas, 1962. That's my problem. In 1962, black people weren't very welcome there! Oh, sure, they could be performers or janitors, but customers? Never!

The cruise was Vegas; and I went to Vegas! Sure, there was a little casino below deck, but that's not the point. I knew the world was not a happy-go-lucky place; my parents taught me that, so as I progressed from high school to university to graduation to almost thirty-something I knew my first experience dealing with the unfairness of the world would come sooner than later. When I stepped on the cruise, it did not hit me like a ton of bricks like I thought it would, no. Instead, it hung in the air like a wisp of Air from an air freshener automatically set to spray at random times o_O

There were many "single, black men" on the cruise. If they were not singing or performing on the grand stage in the ballroom, they were either standing by the doors in black ties and frilly sky blue blazers holding trays or cleaning rooms. For the first week, I received looks and double takes from other vacationers because I wouldn't take orders, perform on stage, or look like I was doing something. I could hear the whispers and feel the palpable awkwardness whenever I entered a room, and eventually it limited where I could go on the cruise: I couldn't eat at the high-end restaurants, not because I was broke, but because when I dressed up I kept getting asked about food and orders. I looked forward to disembarking at each port of call just to avoid those situations time and again.

Finally, it happened...

I'm a big ice cream guy, as my friends will attest, so one day I grabbed a soup bowl, filled it with orange sherbet, and sat down at a small table in the lunch room facing the port side windows. I received a few looks already, but nothing too obvious that day. I did, however, notice a familiar old lady staring at me from across the hall. I turned away and ignored her glare, but all of a sudden she stood, marched the length of the room, stopped a few inches short of where I sat, and in a loud voice said the words I would never forget for as long as I live:

"SHOULDN'T YOU BE WORKING?!"

Jesus instructs each of us to "love our enemies", and if it occurred right when the vacation began I probably would "open the gates". Like her, the only "single, black men" I saw on the cruise were cleaners, waiters, and entertainers. All the others had people, for lack of a better word, to "vouch" for them. She noticed me "not working" and "being lazy" for days and days and days, and finally had enough. Naturally, everyone within earshot was either thinking the same thing or mortified by her assertion, so I did my best to respond as calm yet loud enough to answer the question on everyone's mind.

"No, because I am on vacation just like you."

Almost a moment later, the same woman flipped from accusation to embarrassment. She sweated apologies all over the floor, and sheepishly walked away. Now, I don't share that story to beef me up, and say "LOOK AT ALL THE HOOTS I'M WORTH! WOOO!" I shared because you probably felt the same way, although our circumstances are different.

You feel pushed aside, generalized, marginalized, hurt, abused, teased, insulted, embarrassed, lonely, or ready to explode over various misgivings. There are loads of evil in the world, as you know, however in expecting the absolute worst to "COME AT ME", I should not expect my response to bring the absolute worst out of me. One should be able to handle anger and every other emotion with care keeping things in proper perspective, and remaining humble. It's not going to be easy, as it wasn't for me in 2009, and it isn't easy for me now. I just manage my emotions a little better since then, that's all, at least I hope I did.

Yes, so don't get me wrong; my cruise experience wasn't all doom and gloom. It was quite nice, I suppose. Cruises are nice vacation boats, I guess ^_^ I met some nice people onboard, and perhaps in time I can share some stories about them with you. In the meantime, it's late, and I should sleep.

Help Someone (NOT ME) Get Into Art School!

I don’t do this often, if at all, but the story of the person I linked to below is a familiar one.

When I was eighteen, I had to choose between university life and going to school for animation. I like to draw, and occasionally do nowadays. The funds were there, but the confidence was not, so I chose post-secondary education to increase my chances of getting “a real job”. The story of Emily Carson, who is ‘emilythebravee’ on Tumblr and YouTube, struck a chord with me. However, while she has the talent and confidence to succeed in art school, she needs help paying for it. That’s where YOU come in…

Right now, Emily is enrolled in a $10K scholarship contest. She wrote an essay about her life and how much she loves working in animation. All you need to do is click on the link above, read her essay, and vote for her. If she receives enough support from YOU and readers like YOU, then they will consider her for the scholarship! :D

I voted already, and plan to do it again! I’m not secretly a backer or getting residuals for doing this, and I’m sure she doesn’t know who I am; I followed her and her friends on YouTube for the past year, and I’m doing this because she is a genuinely nice person and an incredibly talented artist.

Thanks for reading and taking the time out to support her cause ^_^ I appreciate it, and I’m sure Emily does, too!

Here is her post via tumblr:

So I’ve entered a scholarship essay contest for up to $10,000!

The first part of the contest relies on voting so if you could take a minute to read my essay and vote I would be eternally grateful! 

Oh also, the site says where I live and I can’t change it which is super annoying so like, please don’t be creepy. I trust you guys with this. Don’t blow it.

ANYWAY HERE IS IT WOOHOO! 

I Am Unhappy

I wrote this at ridiculous a.m. in the morning, and after two dozen people read it I relegated it to draft mode because I felt more ashamed of me than ever. However, it does zero good to anyone to deny my feelings, and it could help someone as we are not alone in this. So, after a day's worth of prayer, editing, and fixing "which people can't see this" to "everyone can see this", here it goes...

Hi,

I think I was put on this earth to make people happy, and for a little while I managed to do that. As it turns out, I can't do it anymore because the person that should be happy others are happy is not me.

I was a comedian and scratch musician through grade school and high school, then later on in life I became a REAL Christian, and not just in name and on Sundays. Loads of people liked me, and I thought I was finally making a difference for JESUS. Things were going to be alright, from now on, I thought. Then, in 2010, things changed.

Something terrible happened to a friend of mine, who is no longer with us, and then something almost as terrible happened to me, which only one other person half knows about. That event weighed on my actions for so long that I drove away my family and friends; I even ended really good friendships over minute and ridiculous things. Years later, I overheard my Dad talking my relatives about my changes, and his "reason" for why 'the lights went out'. He wasn't right, but he wasn't wrong either.

I tried to overcompensate with heavy doses of writing, however that began to wane in recent times. My serious writing had three outcomes: (1) I deleted whatever I wrote because I believed it was terrible and not worth anyone's time, or (2) I posted what I knew lacked insight and annoyed people just for the sake of viewership, and that is stupid, and (3) Someone somewhere liked it, for some odd reason, so I decided to keep it at their insistence.

Everything I do immediately turns to dust, from structured essays to the most sincere and genuine gestures of friendship and support. When I returned to making videos, which I didn't do since the early 2000s, the urge to reference this feeling as a real live problem grew as well. I told my insecurities to a pastoral intern in Oakville named Daniel (Hi Daniel), when he posed a question on Facebook about your "Social Media Heart Check". In response Daniel, who knows next to nothing about me, told me God loves me. I really want to believe God does, but I look around and conclude things will not improve.

I am unhappy. I am expected to fill a role, and then I am expected to go home. Sometimes I feel no one cares if I'm alive or dead, unless they are compelled to tell me out of the circumstance. For example, I received my fair share of 'Dear John' and breakup letters from women that still want to be friends, and all I could think was "We were never in that type of relationship to begin with, so why do I have this, and if she doesn't want to be seen with me, why would she want me in the same room?" Then again, I can't think of anyone I know that wants to be with me, never mind in the same room. Does anyone care? Do my friends read what I write, or do they just nod and smile politely and make vague assumptions? Do they talk about me, and what do they say? Do they laugh at me, do they whisper my name in dark corners, or do they just glare and curse my existence like what happened three years ago? Is this what my friend thought before he left us? I don't want to act the fool just to get by, get laughs, and convince me and others that things will get better, like in high school and university. I would like to be happy again, if that is alright?

If you are younger than me, or maybe the same age and older, and you feel the same way about feelings then please tell someone you trust before it's too late! Don't let the circumstances, however real or imagined, decide your life. Don't let them claim your life like they claimed my friend three years ago, because...this world will not be the same without you, and it will not get better. If this serves as a way to help somebody with a similar problem, then maybe it will be worth it, but right now I feel like I did something wrong.

Thanks for reading and sticking around this long. I think this Charlie McDonnell dude explains it alot better than I ever could. The variables are different (YouTube vs Writing), but the pain is the same. You should check out this video he made awhile back.



Bye.

An Antarctic Romance

They fired the last flare into the air an hour ago. All they have left in that shabby tent are a couple ofTblankets, an empty skillet, their clothes and each other. Sitting beside each other for warmth, one turns to the other, and says…

“It’s so cold!”

“It’s alright, honey.”

“I wonder if they saw the flare? That was the last one.”

“It doesn’t matter now; we did all we could.”

“I’m scared.”

“There, there. It’s alright.”

“Sniff, you probably think I’m such a baby?”

“No, I don’t think that at all.”

“I’m sorry I brought you here.”

“Don’t be sorry. I wouldn’t have missed it for the world.”

“I didn’t imagine it would all end like this.”

“I am safest in your arms, darling.”

“How can you say that?”

“I just did.”

“Honey, I…”

“Shh, everything will be fine. Just hold me back, alright?”

“Alright.”

“Thank you.”

“Heh, for what?”

“For you; for everything.”

“Heh, thank you.”

“I love you.”

“I love you, too.”

…

“Wait, did you hear that? I don’t believe it! It’s them! You’re right, they saw the flare! Hey! HEY! OVER HERE! They see us! They are coming over. Everything is going to be alright, honey. We’re safe now, honey. Honey? Honey…”

Two Must Pull Each Arm: An Antarctic Survival Story

I jumped out of the water first. I scampered up the hill of ice as he clawed his way to the crest of the hill where he could stand. Just as he got a foothold, he turned and spotted Leon and Dalton coming up from the water.

“Come on, come on!” I exclaimed, “Get up the hill, hurry!” Leon didn’t need to be told twice, as he was already well in the ascent. Dalton paused  to stare at me with a look of horror in his eyes. There was no time to waste as Greg and Carlton bumped up behind him, and pushed him forward. Poor Dalton, it was his first real swim.

I stood at the little ledge of the hill pointing the others toward where Leon stood catching his breath. Watch the water! Keep count, you fool! There’s Edward. Watch the water! Harry, Allan, Tyrone. Watch the water! Oh no, where is Bill? “Frank, Wendell, you’ll never make it; that side is too steep! Come up this side!” Where is Bill? Stephen, Max. Watch the water! Ulysses, John. Watch the water! Bill, oh, thank heavens, it’s Bill.

Bill hurried up beside me as Roger and Quincy filed past us toward the others. “I have my group; it looked like it had us for a second, but we are alright.” He told me. I nodded, “That’s better than we usually do. Keep an eye on the others, and keep an eye on Dalton; make sure he doesn’t panic.”

Suddenly, Tyrone shouted from the top of the hill. His fin pointed in the direction of the water. Bill and I turned our heads toward the water, and spotted a large black line in the distance. As it neared, the water tailed off on both sides, and the line grew inch by inch, second by second. I ushered Bill up the hill with Xavier, and motioned the brothers Nathan and Oliver away from the sleek ledge Frank tried to scale earlier. Pascal came up from the water, but saw me waving at the brothers; he called the determined pair in his unique and vulgar way, and both immediately hastened towards us. I turned once again at the black fin that rose from the water we swam across in fear and desperation not too long ago. Where I stood wasn’t so safe either, so I waddled up the hill just behind the other three, when Bill screamed from the top. The look in his eyes spelled trouble, and the others around him knew it as well.

“Kevin! Where’s Kevin?!” Bill exclaimed. The count, ye gods, I forgot the count! I forgot to wait for Kevin. I turned and found an injured Kevin paddling in the water ahead of the oncoming black line; his arm was sore from the diving training session we had back home, and in all the panic he injured it again. I could hear him calling me for help as he choked on the water splashing into his throat, but I couldn’t move. The black line, as big as it was, began sinking into the water as it approached our little glacier. The black line. That black line. That small black line. That small black tip.

Kevin was near the edge of the ice flow, when I heard a commotion coming from Bill and the others behind me. As I turned my head, Dalton bumped into me as he slid down to Kevin!

“Dalton, no, it’s too late!” I said.

“Let me go! We can save him!” Dalton argued, pushing away as best he could. The black tip was getting closer to Kevin now, but Kevin couldn’t climb up with his injured arm.

“Dalton, no!”

“Kevin!” Dalton put up a fight, and broke loose! I tried to grab him, but he already slid the rest of the way, and grabbed Kevin’s good arm. At that moment, the black tip behind Kevin disappeared, and the sea slowly became calm. We all stood in silence as the splashing waters receded, and all we could hear was Dalton struggling and Kevin gasping for breath as Dalton pulled his friend out of the water. I could hear Kevin’s words to Dalton.

“Thank you.” He said. Dalton nodded, and they looked at me as they walked up the hill.

I wanted to say something, but I forgot what it was.

Suddenly, the black tip arose from the water revealing the massive whale underneath! Its mouth opened up from out of the water casting a shadow over Dalton, Kevin, and the knob of ice beneath their feet. I heard their screams mere seconds before the mouth of the whale closed down on them and shot pools of water all over me and that half of the ice flow. I fell down on my back and rolled over as the water splashed on me like a waterfall.

I couldn’t hear Kevin. I couldn’t hear Dalton. I couldn’t even hear the whale.

There was a genuine silence for a minute, before I started hearing Pascal screaming at the top of the hill. I looked up and saw Xavier on his stomach, Nathan and Oliver standing in shock, and Wendell walked a couple of steps to the side before vomiting on the snow. Everyone else was crying, but not Bill. No, Bill just tilted his head at me, and shook his head. The tears collected in his eyes, but he didn’t release them. I gulped, stood up, and turned towards the gaping hole in the side of the glacier a few steps away…

“There was nothing you could do.”

“No, if I went with Dalton, we could have pulled up Kevin together. That’s the rule: Two must pull each arm. One penguin pulls one arm, and Dalton pulls the other. Then, they would be here. Instead, I had to tell Mrs. Davidson and Mrs. Kyle when we got home, and Mr. Kyle was there. I saw the Kyle family first, they are such a lovely family. They have four…three kids, three beautiful baby daughters. Kevin said he was going to teach the girls how to swim and catch fish, and once he figures out how to dive properly, he will…?”

“There was nothing…”

“After that, I saw Mrs. Davidson, she lives on the other side of town. It’s just her and Dalton, you know? Well, it’s just Mrs. Davidson now, you see, but I told her that her son…her son is a hero…her son was a hero, but her son…her son isn’t coming home. He’s never coming home again because…because…”

“You found that ice flow. You saved Bill, Wendell, Pascal, Nathan and Oliver, all the others; they understand.”

“No, you don’t understand! The look in their eyes. I saw their eyes; there was so much fear, panic, desperation. They were grasping for life; they were looking at me. They looked to me! They looked at me! Look at me! LOOOOK AT MEEE! Mrs. Davidson looked at me; she looked at me the way Dalton looked at me. They are so alike; the resemblance is uncanny! Do you know what she asked me?! Do you know…what she…said? She asked me ‘what did I do?’ What did I do?! I…I don’t know, Mrs. Davidson, I…couldn’t help your boy…I couldn’t help…I…couldn’t…help…I couldn’t…SAVE THEM! I CAA AA AA…AHH AA AA…AAA…AAAHHH…AH AH AH…AAAAAAHHHHHHH AHH AHHH!”

(picture credit by Jeff Shaw)

An Antarctic Proposal

I must admit as cold as it is right now, your smile always warms my heart, no matter what the weather may be.

In the time we spent together, I know what true warmth and true love is: It's in your eyes, your smile, your kiss, and in the touch of your hand.

You are a light that shows my way, a flame that never dwindles, a heat that warms, and a fire that give me life.

From the bottom of the earth, from the bottom of my heart, I will always love you and seek to honour you with all my heart and everything that I am.

The Antarctic Words

I have a tumblr account, and spent a considerable amount of time writing on that. There are a few works that I am proud of writing, so I thought I would share them with you on here.

There are three short stories and poems that are set in the South Pole, or Antarctica. If you have a favourite, be sure to share them amongst your friends or followers. I will give each of them a post, instead of copy and pasting them under one post.

Enjoy!